Here's the real: Life is hard, and still good.

When I say The Real Life is Good, I want to say it and mean it.

Here's the truth: Life is hard, life is a struggle, life is unpredictable, life is a gift, life is fleeting, life is precious, life isn't ours, life is overwhelming.  And through it all, Life is Good.  Real life.  Not the picture of life you see happening while you scroll.  Not the life that you imagine for yourself, but the life that is yours.

Through the hard, good can be seen.  Even if just a glimmer.

I'll use myself as an example.  Here's the hard.  In November, I suspected that the baby I had been carrying wasn't alive anymore. I had stopped feeling kicks and had a gut feeling something was off.  I needed to hear the heartbeat.  I went into my appointment anxious that my suspicions would come true.. and they did.  I went through a rough week and next couple months.  After my hard labor and delivery with Daisy, Jordan and I decided that we were done having children.  I didn't want to go through anything remotely close to that again.  Then I obviously got baby fever again, and we started trying again.  Then after losing the baby in November, I told him that I was actually finally done.  No more, I don't want to experience any more trauma.  I had 3 beautiful babies and was blessed above and beyond with my kids... fast forward a few months and I got baby fever again.  With my due date approaching (April 13th) I have been hyper aware that I am not pregnant.  A family friend who was due around the time as me, had her baby, and right when I saw the precious one's face I unexpectedly burst out into tears.  I should be experiencing that.  I threw the phone across my bed and let myself weep.  Then I heard God tell me, "It's okay to long for what was lost, but it's also okay to rejoice with those who rejoice."  So I picked my phone back up and stared at the sweet face, saying a prayer for them as they enter into this sacred time with their baby.

This week, something beautiful also happened, I took a pregnancy test and a faint positive was shown.  I was pregnant again!  How redeeming!  I had planned to tell my family on Easter (the day before my original due date).  I thought it would be a beautiful way to turn the sadness around into an unexpected surprise!  After 3 positive pregnancy tests this week, I have experienced what is called a "Chemical Pregnancy".  A child had definitely been conceived, but my body had not fully become pregnant, and I miscarried.  I'm disappointed, sad, confused and losing a little bit of hope that I will ever have that 4th child we so desired.  I keep thinking my body is broken, that my time of being pregnant, cuddling an infant, nursing, being sleep deprived and all the things that come with a new baby, that stage of my life has passed.  I'm trusting that this is part of God's plan for my life and the story He is writing.

Sitting here, typing this now, I am watching the children I DO have play, sitting in a comfortable house where every need is taken care of.  The rest of the world is going through a true epidemic, but I am not.  My husband's job is secure, we have plenty of food, nobody is sick and we are protected.  I struggle to allow myself to mourn anything today.  I know that God desires to give his children good gifts, and he truly, truly has.  The glimmer of hope that I see unfolding before me is that I have years of parenting to look forward to with my three.  So many milestones, stages and decades to look forward to of being their mom.

I have started using my voice for speaking up about the realities of life.  With that in mind, I won't keep my story hidden.  I have started sharing and just because this is recent, real and raw doesn't mean I wont talk about it.  8 out of 10 miscarriages are in the first three months.  1 in 4 women experience miscarriage.  A chemical pregnancy is still the loss of a conceived child that was loved and wanted.  These are the facts.  I was chosen to walk through the things I've walked through, for whatever reason, and I will continue to share those things.

"Therefore, we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."  2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Less is More

This morning, like many my Dad said he experienced as I was growing up, "the Lord woke me up." (Maxine's electric toothbrush kept turning on randomly in my bathroom like it was a set alarm clock... okay, God, I'm awake!")  I have had just so much on my mind lately during this "pandemic".  I'm thinking about every person impacted by this.  Whether it be job loss, financial uncertainty, lonliness and isolation, cancelled trips, babies due during this time... it's all weighing on me.  I am somewhat of an empath, so when I think too deeply about any of these things, the feeling is crippling.  I, myself, haven't experienced much loss out of this situation.  We are definitely blessed that Jordan's job is a necessity at this point in time, and if anything he will just end up working MORE if he's needed. And what's funny, is I have always considered myself an extrovert, but I'm discovering just how much I enjoy being home and having ZERO plans.

What will life look like after this?  Will everyone live a slower life?  Will people go back to eating dinner with their families every night and spending their weekends at home and not going from activity to activity?  Will kids get the opportunity to combine home and school in some kind of hybrid school?  Will jobs allow people to work from home more often now that they've seen how much can still get accomplished?  I don't think there will be a great depression following this experience, I think there will be a great awakening and a financial boom!  There are new ways of living, working and educating being explored right now that could transform our very way of life!  We are starting to see what needs to stay and what can go.  The priority shift about to take place will send shockwaves throughout the world, but I don't think for the bad.

God missed us.  He saw how anxious, stressed, overwhelmed, short-on-time, hurried and greedy we were and decided to give us the much-needed break we all so desperately needed.  No way we would have chosen any of this for ourselves, but He said, "Enough is enough.  I AM enough.  What you have is enough.  Those in your 4 walls are enough.  Breathe. Rest. Be."
²⁸ “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” - Matthew 11: 28-30

What God promises us in times of rest is a light burden.  He doesn't want us to pile more and more and more upon our plate that we don't even know where to start.  As a nation, we are in extreme debt.  I don't mean the government, I mean as individuals.  Our need for more, bigger, better will never end.  God created us perfect in a perfect garden in a perfect order... Since the fall, man has been striving ever since to attain that perfection again.  In that striving, we have given up some of the most important things in life in order to have just a little taste of perfection.  
We clean and decorate our homes based off of a Pinterest perfection that isn't sustainable.  We cook our meals comparing them to cookbook pictures and Pinterest food photographers who work on their craft YEARS before achieving the perceived perfection.  We turn in our paid-off vehicles that need occasional maintenance for an upgraded version that will look the part and never need new parts.  We send our children to school 40 hours a week for others to raise as we spend our days working to pay for the things we don't need and can't afford.  We grieve the time spent away from them but don't see how we can do life any other way.  We click the link under what she's wearing because those jeans need to be in my closet.  We starve ourselves so we can then fit into those jeans... they don't fit perfect quite yet. We skip church on Sunday mornings because it's the only morning of the week when we can sleep in.  Somethings gotta give, right?  

We are constantly going, constantly measuring and weighing ourselves and finding ourselves wanting, when God has said over and over again that we are enough.  Just as we are, with what we have.  He will provide.  1 Cor. 9:8 "And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work." 

2 Peter 1:3 "His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires." 

The bible verses about Provision and rest are endless.  

My hope in writing this post is not to throw guilt on any person, but to start the wheels in your head turning.  Jordan and I live in a comfortable house, we have an extra vehicle "just in case", we have 3 healthy children, our pantry is stocked (and toilet paper supply), we have running water, climate controlled house, comfortable beds, clean clothes (a plenty)… and yet I have found myself wanting more, needing more, feeling restless, trying to fill the gaps of imperfection with counterfeit perfection.  I find myself wanting a bigger house, a cleaner back yard, a perfectly organized house, a the best school-choice, upgraded vehicles, a part-time-job to give myself some kind of false affirmation, a new hair style, an extra pair of shoes (although I have enough).  I find myself going down this spiral and I have to remind myself the lifestyle we have chosen to live cannot realistically attain all of these things.  I compare what we have to what others have, instead of being grateful for the wonderful life God has provided for us.  I tend to look at it as an itch for change, but in reality, it's an itch for more.  

God is saying to everyone in this moment in time, "Less."  

I pray each of us has less from here on out.  Less worry, less stress, less comparison, less sleepless nights, less debt, less on our plates.  
Just, Less.  

Podcast Episode 2 - Carmen Needham Interview - resources

Hey yall!  If you're here, that means you're wanting some resources that Carmen mentioned in our episode!  Thank you for listening and I can't wait to share more with you!

First:  R. Keeth Matheny - http://sellaunchpad.com

Second: Parenting with Love & Logic: https://www.loveandlogic.com

Third: The Whole Brain Child: Dr. Daniel Siegel

Below is an example chart like the one we discussed in the episode.

Identify your time of struggle: Ex: Bath time	What is the plan:	Jobs we can help to engage the little people?	How do we know if we are starting to escalate?	De- Escalation Techniques
Non-Negotiables: Kid needs to get cleaned What is your goal? Get him cleaned What is your fluff that is not important? It doesn’t have to be a bath, it can be a shower. Get rid of the toys that cause him to want to stay longer and cause a problem. Are there any distractions? Get rid of the phone.	Give Jack a shower instead of a bath. Get rid of the toys in the bath tub so they are not a temptation or discussion for a longer shower. Get him cleaned and then to bed. 5-7 minutes top.	Have him wash his own body with the loofa. Help him put his own shampoo in his hair.	Triggers? Yelling from the toddler Physiological Responses? My heart starts racing Is your phone in your hand? If it is, let it go and drop kick it sister!	·         Create a signal with your child that you need a break ·         Do not speak. Or say your empathetic one liner, but don’t engage. ·         Put your hands behind your back to avoid physical contact with your child. ·         Remove yourself from the situation ·         Move it or Lose it: Jumping Jacks, Yoga, Stretches, deep breathing technique (Breath-in 4 seconds, hold 4 seconds, Breath-out 4 seconds, hold 4 seconds- Repeat), meditate, pray ·         Avoid your phone
Identify your time of struggle:	What is the plan:	Jobs we can help to engage the little people?	How do we know if we are starting to escalate?	De- Escalation Techniques
Non-Negotiables: What is your goal? What is your fluff that is not important? Are there any distractions?			Triggers? Physiological Responses? Is your phone in your hand?

Overcast skies and Downcast spirit

It's so odd when I go outside and the atmosphere matches what is happening within.  There are sunny happy days where the birds are chirping and I am feeling bubbly and excited about life.  Then there are days like today, where there are clouds hovering above me literally and figuratively.  The rain drips from the skies as the tears drip from my eyes.  This isn't a sobby journal entry, rather, it's an expression of human nature.  God created us with complex emotions and struggles.  Relationships seem to bloom and flourish one day and the next seem to be wilting and the growth - stunted.  Jobs can be successful one day - and the next be swept out from under us.  Emotions can over-take us and in turn make us lose our focus on the Lord.  For a personality type like myself (enneagram 7, thank you Carlin...) my  mood doesn't stay down for long.  I do not enjoy wallowing or even being slightly sad.  I enjoy being happy and upbeat so when these days come, I tend to look for the silver lining or purpose for these feelings.

I was reading about Jacob today in Genesis and what I read was interesting for my feelings this exact day:  (and please don't skim over these verses, like I sometimes tend to do... read them)

Genesis 32:24-28
"So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him until day break.  When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man.  Then the man said, "Let me go, for it is daybreak." But Jacob replied, "I will not let you go unless you bless me."  The man asked him, "What is your name?" "Jacob" he answered.  Then the man said, your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and man and have overcome."  (In case you missed it, God is "the man" in this)

God recognized his struggle against Him as a good thing, as something that made him into the man He had intended him to be.  He changed his name from Jacob, meaning "to follow behind, supplanter or assailant" to Israel which means "Struggles with God, God prevails." He looked at it as something to reward him for, not punish him for.  God doesn't want us to stay safe in our faith but to wrestle with it.

Sit in the discomfort.  Squirm in the uncertainty.  Run your fingers through the questions.  Wrestle with The Word (which could be scripture or God Himself). Nothing you could yell at him about will stop him from loving you or even calling you Righteous.  He is not easily offended and keeps no record of wrongs.  He can take it.  He can withstand the unrelenting doubt or questions and will strengthen YOU through it all.  

Later on in the same chapter in Genesis, Jacob names the place he wrestled with God "Peniel" which means The face of God.
"The sun rose above him as he passed Peniel, and he was limping because of his hip." vs. 33:33 This is a picture of what happens to us in life.  We will encounter struggles which leave us with emotional scars or visible reminders of our choices and seasons of doubt.  He wasn't cast away because of his struggle, but blessed and used in a mighty way.  We will be left with scars and possibly even visible wounds, but God promises to use those in a big and mighty way.  We don't go through our experiences left without bruise or blemish.  Embrace it.  Walk with a limp.

So on days like today, when my soul is downcast within me, I look at it as a refinement period.  Just as David writes in the Psalms:

Psalms 42:5 "So then, my soul, why would you be depressed?  Why would you sink into despair?  Just keep hoping and waiting on God, your Savior.  For no matter what, I will still sing with praise, for living before his face is my saving grace!  Here I am depressed and downcast.  Yet I will still remember you as I ponder the place where your glory streams down from the mighty mountaintops, lofty and majestic - the mountains of your awesome presence.  My deep need calls out to the deep and kindness of your love."
(The Passion Translation - Italics added)

I have a deep sense of Joy waiting to emerge from behind the clouds.  Like the sun peeking through the clouds after a storm, revealing a rainbow that is His promise.

Psalm 18:17-19
"He then reached down from heaven, all the way from the sky to the sea.  He reached down into my darkness to rescue me!  He took me out of my calamity and chaos and drew me to himself, taking me from the depths of my despair! His love broke open the way and he brought me into a beautiful broad place.  He rescued me - because his delight is in me!"
(The Passion Translation - Italics added)

If only we knew the depth of His love and comprehended it.  We would come to Him with our doubts directly instead of talking behind His back.  We would ask Him the question directly and go where He leads.  We would feel secure in ourselves and let go of our shame and earthly shortcomings.  We will never be enough in earthly eyes - but we are EVERYTHING to Him.  Our human mind cannot fathom how he could possibly keep track of every living person or even understand how he finds value in every living person, but He does.  He dwells among us and within us.  He created every man and woman and child in his image.

If we look hard enough, we will see the sun peeking through the clouds.  We will welcome the warmth it brings and turn our face towards it.  We will shed the layers we have put on ourselves of ill fitting clothes, and put on the righteous attire He has laid out for us to take, woven together, fitting each individual person perfectly.

I pray that we discover who God has created us to be and start to use the gifts and talents he so graciously bestowed upon our souls.

Not sure how to follow that up...

I've spent the last few days re-reading my previous blog post, kind of surprised I posted it.  If you know me, you know that I'm an open book and I will literally tell you anything... but that post?  That was tough.  I have been wanting to talk about it for the last 18 months, but it wasn't something I had gone through, it was still something I was going through.  I wasn't on the other side of it yet. 

{If you're not sure what post I'm referring to you can find it here.} 

One of the reasons I shared that story, is because I want others out there to not feel so alone in their failures.  We ALL fail.  Possibly not as epically as I did, but we do.  I was reading a Joyce Meyer book this morning called Healing the Soul of a Woman.  If you're struggling from past abuse, self loathing or living in a constant spiral of shame, this book is for you.  Today, I read something so profound it almost quite-literally blew my mind.  

She writes, "A rattle snake, if cornered, will sometimes become so angry it will bite itself.  That is exactly what happens when we harbor hate and resentment against others - we "bite" and poison ourselves.  We think that we are harming others by holding on to spite and hate, but the deeper harm is actually done to ourselves."  

The are a few things that stand out to me here.  I have made them quite obvious.  Think about that for a minute.  We poison and harm ourselves when we are angry at the hurt that others have caused us.  We "bite and poison ourselves" when we feel cornered, like we have no way out.  We don't face the situation in the face, we become so entangled with the problem that we can't possibly see the solution.  The only thing we can harm in this situation is ourselves.  Obviously if we are angry with our children we don't hurt them, we don't hurt our husband or that friend.  We don't retaliate against them because we are decent human beings.  We, instead, mistreat ourselves.  To me, when I think about this, that was me.  I felt like I was trapped inside myself taking on the roll of "just a mom".  Getting through the endless piles of laundry, dishes, screaming kids, working husband and finding time for myself.  I coiled up in a corner and poisoned myself.  Every day.  I was so blind to what I was doing and I even justified it.  I didn't look at it as poisoning myself, I looked at it as an outlet.  As a way to ease the situation.  I used it to feel more relaxed, or to be a little bit sillier, maybe even to give me the courage to have that conversation that needed to happen (alcohol was never helpful in that situation).  

Like the snake, I needed a release and that release would only come when I had just enough to drink.  My "bite". 

Did that drink ever help?  Maybe for a few minutes.  But my anxiety and need for more only became worse the more I used.  I say "used" here because Alcohol is a drug.  It has actually just recently been listed as the most dangerous drug on the market, taking more lives annually than cocaine and heroine.

That scares me to death.

In tears days before I decided to give up alcohol for good, I told Jordan that I keep having this whisper in my ear that if I continue trying to find a "comfortable" place for alcohol in my life, it will eventually be the reason I die.  Whether it be from one of the seven forms of cancer it causes, liver disease, a car accident, alcohol overdose, dementia... the list of alcohol related deaths is extensive.  I refuse to let that be the reason, to be a statistic.  God will take me when He is good and ready, but it will NOT be correlated to alcohol in any way.  More and more young moms and women these days are believing the cleverly conceived lie that drinking in excess is the norm and you will not survive motherhood without it.  Women on Instagram are free advertisers for the alcohol industry!  They don't need to pay 5 million dollars for an advertisement during the Superbowl, because chances are, your wine rack is already stocked.  

Don't believe the lie that you need to poison yourself in order to relax, have fun, forgive, sleep, conversate, vacation, throw a kids birthday party, calm down, reminisce, chat with a friend... Honestly, what events do people NOT drink at these days?  

I write this knowing that I will probably rub some people the wrong way.  My intent here isn't to call out those people who have the occasional drink or don't have a problem with dependency on it.  My intent is to hopefully give the person who needs it a gut-check.  I got way too many gut-checks before I finally listened to it.  I have countless moments I could list where I said to myself, "Never again.  I will never drink again.  This was the final straw."  There were a lot of those moments.  More than I care to admit.  Maybe this will be one that can be added to one of your personal gut-checks.  If it is, don't let the list get too long, life is too beautiful to live one more day of it wasted.  Literally.  

It's time I tell you my story.

Ok, so my heart is pounding and won't stop. Usually that is an indication I need to do something that will take courage to do. I need to share my story. This story will be long, but whoever takes the time to sit down and read it are the people meant to. This story starts a way long time ago, but I can't start from there, I have to start from about three years ago. I have shared some of this testimony out loud with my MOPS group, but since then more has happened. I am saying out loud to myself as I type this, "Practice what you preach!" I have talked a lot about sharing your story. Emphasis on the word "YOUR". I tend to be extremely idealistic about what I am capable of, and leave myself out of the group of people I am speaking to. I hold others to a higher standard than I hold myself, and that's where this story begins. How will I encourage anyone to speak boldly about their life and story if I hold parts of mine in my own heart? 

My story starts with the day a friend of mine spoke out loud the words that had been running through my mind for months, "You should probably stop drinking." She spoke these words, knowing they were heavy, because she said them in a hushed tone. Jordan and I had been trying to get pregnant with our third for a few months to no avail. I had heard God directly say to me, "If you want to get pregnant, you need to stop drinking." To anyone who has never made drinking a part of their daily life, they'll say, "Obviously!" Obviously, I shouldn't drink while I'm trying to get pregnant. Obviously that is extremely selfish and possibly dangerous to the baby. Yes, Obviously. I knew this in my head but didn't act on this conviction. I kept on drinking. This was in the stage of my life that I drank the heaviest. My heaviest drinking wasn't when I was single, living the "good life" going out partying every weekend. No. My drinking was heaviest when I had a 4 and 2 year old at home. I drank every single day, without fail. For some reason, it seemed completely normal to me. Maybe it was all the meme's saying things like, "Mommy needs her wine" with some funny image of a 50's housewife with a robotic smile doing chores with a screaming baby in the background. Or maybe it was the fact that most of my friends drank. I spent time with a lot of people who talked openly about having a drink or two or 5 like it was normal. I didn't really think I had a problem with it. 

Looking back on it, I went out of my way to drink during the week. If Jordan was at the fire station, I would make random little trips to the grocery store, throwing a bottle of wine (or two) in the cart like it was an afterthought (and not at all what I actually went there for.) To back track, I did not grow up in a house where drinking was normal. My mom and dad did not drink in the home while we were growing up, and if they had alcohol at all, we didn't know about it. It wasn't until I became an adult that the generation of Christian women who started normalizing drinking every night and possibly the occasional instance where they took it too far. It was funny and relatable. Because of the culture I surrounded myself with, I felt like I had a very healthy relationship with alcohol. Until I didn't. I woke up too many times with a head ache or a hangover. I woke up too many mornings sorry for things I said to Jordan or checking my phone to make sure I didn't post some ridiculous rant on Facebook, or even see who I had been texting and what I said. I woke up too many times in a panic that I had done or said something that would mess up my life. I started to realize that alcohol was making me a worse version of myself, not a better one. 

I was a worse Mom. Sometimes I would sleep so hard that Jordan wouldn't be able to wake me up in the middle of the night. Most times, I would slur an evening prayer hastily so that I could go binge-watch the latest series on Netflix until 2 am, only having to wake up because - SURPRISE I had kids who woke up early. I was a worse Wife. I picked fights with Jordan pointing out his flaws and shortcomings only to completely ignore my own. I would disrespect him and would then wonder why we were in a rough season. Sometimes I would remember things I said to him and other times I woke up completely unaware of an argument I had started. I wasted so many days and hours of my life inebriated. 

When my friend said those words to me, it was as if she was in my head. I knew I had a problem. It took a month or so after that of me battling with it until finally I just stopped drinking. Cold-turkey. That was in January of 2017. 

During this time, the phrase "His face shines upon you." Rang out in my mind.  I heard it in songs, read it in scripture and it seemed to be following me around. I didn't understand the phrase at the time... In March, my pastor, Joe Champion at Celebration Church spoke a message titled, CROSSROADS.  It was about being at a place in your life where it was time to make a decision.  Choose the direction your life will go.  We are given a choice and it is up to us to act.  After that service, he came directly up to the row I was sitting in (in a church of 2500 people), shook hands with people exiting the row and then stopped me and the group I was with.  He asked about a couple of us and then looked me square in the eyes and said, "Now tell me about you." I sputtered a couple random facts about myself, "My name is Lisa." "I like this church" you know, small talk.  He then placed his hand on my shoulder and said that he was going to pray over our group.  He started praying and I could tell he was praying specifically for me and my situation.  He was saying things that I had been saying the past few months to myself.  I don't remember the exact words, but it was, as we say in church- talk, "A God Thing." He assured me that what I'm going through is necessary and that I will grow from it.  He didn't know anything I had been going through or really anything about me, but spoke to me like I had been seeing him for counseling.  I started to understand what "His face shines upon you" meant.  God had a spotlight shining on me.  He had favor over my life and was aware of my struggles and pain.  He wanted me to feel seen and known.  

In May of 2017 I found out I was pregnant with Daisy. I spent that pregnancy completely transforming my mind and my physical body. Yes, my body was already going through changes due to pregnancy, but I was on a mission to be the healthiest version of myself. I went plant-based and I kept getting affirmation after affirmation from God that drinking should never again be a part of my life. During that pregnancy, I have never felt more like who I was supposed to be. I truly felt great! My mind felt renewed and my body as well. I noticed many changes in my appearance. My skin became less inflamed and I seemed to be glowing from the inside out. I blame pregnancy hormones, my plant-based diet and complete absence of alcohol... a trifecta of transformation. 

The last month of my pregnancy was hard, to say the LEAST! The traumatic birth that followed the hardest month of my life didn't help. The birth story is too long to add in here, I'll just say this: I thought Daisy and I were going to die and I replayed the terrifying moments of that birth over and over in my head for months. I don't like to throw out the term PTSD because I feel like it is disrespectful of me to put myself in the same category of men and women in uniform who have truly seen and come out of situations that I can't even imagine. However, PTSD is the only way I know to describe it. 

Let me just say, I had ZERO plans to reintroduce alcohol into my life after Daisy was born, but I did. There was a day a few months after I had Daisy where I felt like I needed to just get out of the house. You know those days... you just want an hour or so to not hold a baby or help a child do something. I needed to clear my head and give myself a break. I didn't have a lot of money to spend, so I couldn't go shopping or anything. I decided to just go walk around the square by myself. I got to the square and saw some people walking around drinking pints of beer from a local restaurant. (You're allowed to walk around with alcohol on the square in Georgetown). I decided ONE beer couldn't hurt. It had been so long since I had a drink, I'm sure it wouldn't effect me like it used to. I slowly sipped on that beer while I walked around the square window shopping and people watching. . I got a flood of memories about why I used to drink. I felt relaxed, at-ease, like my old self and I liked it. This was the start of me trying to re-incorporate alcohol into my life. I thought I could just have a drink here or there, which is what it started out like, but after a few months one drink, two drinks, even three didn’t give me the relaxed feeling that I remembered from that first beer. I was beginning to become desensitized to it again. It took more and more to make me feel relaxed or like I was getting a buzz. 

I was painfully aware of my drinking habits and swore to myself I wouldn't let it get the way it used to be. I did NOT want to go back to that place again. I spent the summer of 2018 trying to find a comfortable place for alcohol in my life. I really did believe that I could become the "casual drinker" I so envied. I wanted to be able to have a drink and not immediately want another one. It had to be possible, so I kept trying. Inevitably, every drink I had made me want another. 

Finally, I thought I came to a healthy place. I decided that I wouldn't drink while I was at home and I would save drinking for when I went out to a restaurant or to someone's house. This seemed like a great happy-medium. 

The day that changed my life forever arrived. 

I was feeling a kind of overwhelm that sends me into almost a panic-mode. Jordan had been gone working overtime at the fire station for a few days, and was about to leave again for another long shift. I broke down in tears telling him that I needed a break before he left again. What I had been doing to relax was sit in the bubble bath, watching Parks and Rec on Hulu. The show always put me in a better mood and the bubble bath helped me relax. Obviously, that wouldn't be relaxing this day because the kids noise and knocking on the bathroom door would leave me feeling anything but relaxed. Jordan suggested I get out of the house. 

I texted a friend to see if she wanted to meet up last minute for Happy Hour at a restaurant near my house. We got to the restaurant and hung out for a few hours drinking margaritas. Over those four hours I had a margarita per hour. The time together was just what I thought I needed. I vented, she vented, I cried, she cried and we drank.  I felt like I deserved these drinks.  I had put in some hard work to make sure I wasn't making drinking part of my daily life again, so these drinks were well earned ( I told myself.) 

Finally, I looked to see what time it was.  In an almost panic, I realized I needed to get home to get Daisy to bed. (She didn't go to bed very well without nursing to sleep.) I had ran out of pumped milk so my only option at that point was to go nurse her.  I wasn't planning on having that much to drink but there was nothing I could do about that now.  I would have to nurse her and cross my fingers that the alcohol I had consumed wouldn't effect her.  

My friend seemed a little tipsier than me, so I offered to drive us home.  It was dusk, where the light is just starting to fade and the night is setting in.  I pulled on to my street  a mile from the restaurant and a police officer noticed my headlights were off.  He followed me a few feet and turned his lights on.  I immediately noticed the lights, panicked and pulled sharply to the curb, running into it and driving my car slightly up on the curb.  (Not a good first impression.)  The police officer came up to the side of the car.  My window was broken so I had to open the door, hitting the officer in the process.  As soon as I opened the car door, he asked where we had been.  I answered him.  He asked if I had been drinking, and because I'm a terrible liar, I said that I had one margarita.  Without saying anything else he asked me to get out of the car.  When I got out of the car, my friend started throwing up outside the passenger's side door.  I still though that I was going to get out of this.  I went on to fail the sobriety test.  

As he placed the handcuffs on me, I was hit with a shock so intense I felt like I couldn't move.  I started crying and pleading when I was put into the back of the police car.  I tried to explain to him that my husband was a fire fighter and needed to go to work in the morning, that I had a 6 month at home who was exclusively breastfeeding.  To add insult to injury the officers comments were gutting.  "Your husband is a fire fighter and you're driving on the road risking lives?  You should know better."  and the real kicker was when he came after my motherhood.  "Oh, you were planning on going home to nurse your baby with your contaminated breastmilk?  What a great mom you are."  Ya'll I have never felt lower in my entire life.  This was by far the lowest I had felt and his words choked my very soul.  Yes, I was planning on going home and feeding her my contaminated breastmilk.  What kind of a mother am I?  What was wrong with me?  My kids deserve better.  

I won't go in to the details of that night, but I will say I have never felt the kind of evil presence I felt while sitting in that jail all night.   It was the worst and longest night of my life.  My shirt was sopping wet with breastmilk by morning and I was so struck with self-loathing that I couldn't even muster the strength to cry.  I didn't deserve to be sad.  I had brought this destruction upon myself.  But my kids, my husband, they didn't deserve this.  

I could hear God saying to me, "You're done now.  Alcohol has no place in your life.  Move on from this."  

Over this past 18 months I have had a breathalyzer in my car.  They save that for people who's BAC (blood alcohol content) was above .15 (almost double the legal limit).  I have had to go about my life with this daily reminder that I failed. I let my family down, I let myself down, I let people who I have "preached to" about alcohol use down.   I have had fleeting moments of trying to find a place for alcohol in my life again over the past 18 months, but it is obvious to me that my life is so much better without it.  

I want to share this part of my story because God calls us to use our stories to help others.  I did not go through this to suffer in silence.  I share now because I can truly say that this season is behind me.  Alcohol has no place in my life.  Alcohol promises all these things to us and never delivers.  

Jesus follows through.  He delivers.  He sustains and remains.  

Please reach out to me if you need someone to talk to.  If you are struggling, whether with addiction or not, please talk to someone.  If not me, find your person.  I know that I am no where near qualified but to quote Christine Cane, "God doesn't call the qualified... he qualifies the called." 

Please feel free to share this post with someone you know who is struggling.  People need to know they're not alone.  

Start where you are...

 "Start where you are, Use what you have. Do what you can." - Arthur Ashe

Jordan and I adopted this quote when we were on a tight budget and had some projects around the house we wanted to do.  We started this little sing-songy chant we would recite to ourselves when we found ourselves wanting to run to home depot or go buy something new.  We would look at each other and one of us would start singing, "Using what we have!  Using what we have!  Using what we have!"  and we would skip around the garage trying to repurpose something that otherwise looked like junk or something unusable.  We got pretty creative!  I redid my kitchen using paint we had and we remodeled the island using old pallet wood and some corbels I bought in Canton during first Monday.  It really actually completely transformed the space.  We did a few other things also just looking around at what we already had in front of us.  

This concept can be taken through other places in our lives as well.  If you feel inadequate to do something you feel called to do or even just WANT to do, but don't feel like you have the resources to accomplish it, just start with what you CAN do!  For me, I feel called to reach others with stories of what I have gone through and somehow try and help someone else.  I feel like I need to write, for whatever reason.  I may not have finished high school in the conventional way (GED), or ever been to college, but I know that for some reason I feel compelled to do this.  Like I have mentioned before, maybe it's just a personal thing, maybe this isn't for anyone else but me and my own mental health, and I am A-OKAY with that! So, I look around and think, what DO I have to accomplish this... well, I have a kitchen table, words to write and a laptop.  I can start there, using what I have. (a fresh cup of coffee from my Nespresso machine doesn't hurt either!)  I also know that I am called to homeschool this year.  I can't afford expensive curriculums and our daily schedule is really lax, but my kids are seven and five.  This is what I can do right now and I feel like it is enough.  

I know that we are each in different places in our lives, and I know that God has gifted each person with individual talents and gifts.  If you look at this image, the words "Bloom where you are Planted"  really puts into perspective what God calls us to do.  I have been planted in THIS house in THIS town.  I have been planted as the mother of THESE kids, the wife to THIS man, the neighbor to THOSE people, a member of the church I attend and in a place of leadership at MOPS.  This is where I'm planted right now, these are my people and THIS is my mission field.  I AM in the season to do what God has gifted me with.  I don't have to wait for some grand and glorious announcement from God that I am finally mature enough to do His will.  I can start now.  I can put yesterday behind me and trust that today, where I am, IS His will.  I am living it daily.  If we press in close to Jesus, spend time in His word and allow ourselves to live each day on purpose, we WILL be living the life we are supposed to be living.  If we sit and wait for the day to arrive, it never will.  Act now, don't wait for tomorrow because tomorrow may never come.  

(follow this link to where I found this image.)