Monday, September 6, 2021

180

 A lot of life has gone by since my last blog post.  Before sitting down to write this, I reread a couple posts that I published last year.  While, yes, I am the same person...  a lot of my mindset has changed.  Maybe 2020/2021 has rewired my brain, but I'm sure I wouldn't be alone in that.  At this point in time, I have a lot of doubts.  These doubts are spread out amongst a wide range of ideas that I have always held to.  One reason I haven't sat down to type out a post for anyone to read lately, is I'm not even sure what to say anymore.  My words feel empty and don't truly make a difference.  Sure, they're ooshy gooshy feel good, but are they words of action?  Is there anything that can practically help people?  

On the outside, I am a witty and easy-going... but on the inside I am contemplative and melancholy.  I do not write the way I am on the outside, I write about the thoughts that swirl around in my head until I cannot go on unless I see them on paper.  I have written a lot this past year, probably more than the past few years combined, but nothing has been eligible to be posted.  Some of it is because it is just way too personal... some of it is because I'm not even sure if I believe the words I'm writing... and some of it is just too heavy.  Even now, I'm not even sure where this post is going to go.  I know what words are on my mind, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to click "publish" on them yet.  

The only way forward, is to take the first step.  My first step will be to admit that I don't love Christianese. The words are vague and up for interpretation... there is nothing of true comfort or help in some of these empty words.  There is no action, nothing truly applicable... just a changing of your mind to accept what you cannot explain.  When walking through a difficult time or tragedy, well meaning people will say things like, "God's got you." "Rest in his peace." "Find joy in this time." "I'll pray for strength for you." "This will work out for good."  Sure, these phrases may change your state of mind, but circumstantially, nothing has changed.  You can believe the words and that CAN bring you some kind of peace, but what happens when the words feel lifeless and empty?  What happens when the hits keep on coming and words aren't enough anymore?  Is taking action a sin?  Is purposefully working towards better mental health without using feel good christianese the wrong path?  What if these words are good, but not the end?  Can we move beyond the "rest" and get to work?  The grace message takes all of the responsibility off of us, and places it on God.  We "rest in him", we "let go and let God"... but I think we need to actually get our verb on and get to work when we are in over our heads.  I cannot functionally "cast my burdens onto him" for the gazillionth time, because I still feel heavy.  I don't actually feel lighter.  I have gone through my life truly believing I was letting go, letting him and casting it all onto him, which helped temporarily... but we have got to be okay with giving people things to actively DO to move past trauma, disappointment and heart ache.  God doesn't remove circumstances, memories or dreams, so how do we actually tangibly deal with these things?  

I don't have the answers to these questions... and that is my step one.  Admitting that I need more than just feel good phrases and psalms to get me through.  I need more than just faith in Jesus, I need to place some responsibility on myself to get myself better ALSO.  It isn't either/or... I need a good mixture of both.   If I hear one more person tell me to "give it to God" or to "trust in His plan" I'm going to flip my sh*t.  ;-D