Sunday, March 29, 2020

Here's the real: Life is hard, and still good.

When I say The Real Life is Good, I want to say it and mean it.

Here's the truth: Life is hard, life is a struggle, life is unpredictable, life is a gift, life is fleeting, life is precious, life isn't ours, life is overwhelming.  And through it all, Life is Good.  Real life.  Not the picture of life you see happening while you scroll.  Not the life that you imagine for yourself, but the life that is yours.

Through the hard, good can be seen.  Even if just a glimmer.

I'll use myself as an example.  Here's the hard.  In November, I suspected that the baby I had been carrying wasn't alive anymore. I had stopped feeling kicks and had a gut feeling something was off.  I needed to hear the heartbeat.  I went into my appointment anxious that my suspicions would come true.. and they did.  I went through a rough week and next couple months.  After my hard labor and delivery with Daisy, Jordan and I decided that we were done having children.  I didn't want to go through anything remotely close to that again.  Then I obviously got baby fever again, and we started trying again.  Then after losing the baby in November, I told him that I was actually finally done.  No more, I don't want to experience any more trauma.  I had 3 beautiful babies and was blessed above and beyond with my kids... fast forward a few months and I got baby fever again.  With my due date approaching (April 13th) I have been hyper aware that I am not pregnant.  A family friend who was due around the time as me, had her baby, and right when I saw the precious one's face I unexpectedly burst out into tears.  I should be experiencing that.  I threw the phone across my bed and let myself weep.  Then I heard God tell me, "It's okay to long for what was lost, but it's also okay to rejoice with those who rejoice."  So I picked my phone back up and stared at the sweet face, saying a prayer for them as they enter into this sacred time with their baby.

This week, something beautiful also happened, I took a pregnancy test and a faint positive was shown.  I was pregnant again!  How redeeming!  I had planned to tell my family on Easter (the day before my original due date).  I thought it would be a beautiful way to turn the sadness around into an unexpected surprise!  After 3 positive pregnancy tests this week, I have experienced what is called a "Chemical Pregnancy".  A child had definitely been conceived, but my body had not fully become pregnant, and I miscarried.  I'm disappointed, sad, confused and losing a little bit of hope that I will ever have that 4th child we so desired.  I keep thinking my body is broken, that my time of being pregnant, cuddling an infant, nursing, being sleep deprived and all the things that come with a new baby, that stage of my life has passed.  I'm trusting that this is part of God's plan for my life and the story He is writing.

Sitting here, typing this now, I am watching the children I DO have play, sitting in a comfortable house where every need is taken care of.  The rest of the world is going through a true epidemic, but I am not.  My husband's job is secure, we have plenty of food, nobody is sick and we are protected.  I struggle to allow myself to mourn anything today.  I know that God desires to give his children good gifts, and he truly, truly has.  The glimmer of hope that I see unfolding before me is that I have years of parenting to look forward to with my three.  So many milestones, stages and decades to look forward to of being their mom.

I have started using my voice for speaking up about the realities of life.  With that in mind, I won't keep my story hidden.  I have started sharing and just because this is recent, real and raw doesn't mean I wont talk about it.  8 out of 10 miscarriages are in the first three months.  1 in 4 women experience miscarriage.  A chemical pregnancy is still the loss of a conceived child that was loved and wanted.  These are the facts.  I was chosen to walk through the things I've walked through, for whatever reason, and I will continue to share those things.

"Therefore, we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."  2 Corinthians 4:16-18

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